I Can't Say Goodbye

I'm literally writing an application for another EYP session right now, but my mind keeps wandering over to this subject, so I decided I'd just go ahead and write about it.

Goodbyes suck. They really suck, a lot. And my life is pretty full of them.

The thing is that I don't really feel this is something I deserve to complain about: my goodbyes are because I'm jetting off here, there and everywhere, and all my favourite people are doing exactly the same. Nonetheless, they suck.

I say goodbye and I have absolutely no idea when I'll see someone again. Will I see them again? What will have changed by the next time we reunite? The world will have moved on, a lot will be different, but I'll be there and they'll be there and that's the main thing. So that's that, and that's fine.

The problem I have is that, because I have met most of my very best friends through EYP, there's going to be a pretty final goodbye at some point. You see, EYP has an end point. It's not necessarily determined by EYP itself, but there always comes a stage where you have to take a look at your life, and ultimately you decide that there isn't space in it anymore for all the things you did before.

This is exactly what a friend did very recently, earlier this week in fact, and the decision was announced to me in the middle of an already emotional airport goodbye. The cliché phrase is "There are no goodbyes in EYP; only 'see you soon'." But in that split second, 'see you soon' changed all too suddenly to 'goodbye'. Tears ensued mid-hug, obviously, because the disastrous combination of shock, emotions and a severe lack of sleep always has the same predictable (and wildly unattractive pour moi) consequences.

You can say all you want that you'll see people again, but when you think about the number of people you haven't visited who are at least still living in the same country as you, it becomes a little more understandable that you realistically won't see every single one of these people living in far flung places, much more exotic and exciting than home, again. Some (hopefully most) of them, yes, but not all of them.

The mopey Spotify playlist in the background is hardly helping my current emosh-ness, as is probably blatantly apparent.

Nope, I'M GOING TO SEE YOU AGAIN. You may say goodbye to EYP, but you're not saying goodbye to me that easily. If I've got anything to do with it, we will most certainly be seeing each other again. Stubbornness, perseverance, determination - call it what you will, these people are important and I'm not letting go. I can't say goodbye.